May 24th, 2010


Практически антиподы. И такое портретное сходство.

В общем, вполне годится для обучения вождению в Москве.


1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real South African driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you'll have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour'...
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you, doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.
12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.
14. When a need arises to stop, whether in the lane you are in or next to the road, the correct signal to use is the hazard lights. This is a sure way to confuse everyone else on the road and force them to slow down to make it safe for you to stop.
15. A sign attached to the back of a mini-bus taxi that shows "100", is actually the minimum speed they're allowed to travel. Not to be misinterpreted with other very similar-looking road signs.
16. Our department of transport made special arrangements for people in a hurry that are caught in a traffic-jam. A yellow line was painted on the far left side of the road, creating an extra lane on the shoulder of the road. Use it, it will save you a lot of frustration and time. Rule 9 is important once you get to the cause of the traffic-jam.
17. Any slow drivers must stay in the centre lane when driving on any of our freeways. That gives you lots of tarred surface to swerving either left or right when you fall asleep behind the steering-wheel.
18. According to law, taxi ranks on the freeway will not have signs to indicate their location, as these spots can change location on any given day without prior notice to other road users.
19. Flashing blue lights on the rooftop will indicate either a police vehicle, road works vehicle, highway robbers getaway vehicle, tow trucks or politicians.
20. When you stop at the mall for just one or two items, you may use the handicap parking. Those people drive very slow, and you'll be out of there before one of them even enters the parking lot.

Переводить ни времени ни сил нет - разве что первое правило.

"Не включай поворотники: этим ты выдаешь свои намерения. Настоящий южноафриканский водитель никогда так не проколется." Далее со всеми остановками.

Я уже давно предлагаю по образу и подобию Мальты выпускать значки: "I drove in Moscow and still alive". Большие такие значки, даже, возможно, настенные отличительные знаки. Композиции. Из мятой жести крыльев с инкрустацией из битых зеркал в рамке из сломанного бампера. Вот каждый раз, вырвавшись из массакра на пересечении Ярославки с МКАД, так и предлагаю. Окружающие обычно согласны.